Addicted

I enjoy smoking.  I like the action, the fingers to the mouth, the deep inhale, and the long breath out.  I like the pause in the day, the moment of nonthought.  I hate the smell and I don’t care for  the taste.  I am not a smoker, I can go days, weeks even without a cigarette.  I think this is a major drawback to quitting.  Why quit if it is not a problem, why give up something I have control over?  Maybe because it is proven to cause cancer and I have kids.  Maybe because I don’t want them to think that it is ok.  Maybe because my husband would love it if I did.  How about quitting for the improvement in my skin tone or the color of my teeth.  My energy level goes up when I don’t smoke.  But let me tell you the best reason why I don’t quit and the biggest reason why I should.  

The thought of a cigarette comes out of nowhere, usually while I am driving.  Then like the best meditator in the whole world the mantra repeats itself with increasing urgency until there is no other thought in my head.   Then I proceed to argue with myself until I pull into a gas station or find an excuse to visit someone I know who smokes.  

How do I change the chant or the clamoring in my brain?  How do I create a new mantra that boosts my will to drive past the smoke?  It scares me that I haven’t thought of one yet.  Why can’t any of those reasons listed above prove a stronger urgency?  Why don’t they win?

Swine Fear

The swine flu has 10 confirmed deaths according to the WHO website which is updated daily.  10 deaths as of May 1st, 2009. It is true they are still testing cases and the number will probably rise.  Influenza viruses kill thousands every year.  Why was this one so hyped?  Something to do with Mexico maybe?  Perhaps a good scare will help our legislators pass some desired laws that aren’t appetizing to a confident citizenry.  

I absolutely despise fear mongering.  There is something within each of us that just can’t resist it though.  I love a piece of gossip that puts people on edge.  I just wish people would take news reports with the same grain of salt they would a piece of gossip.  Remember FDR’s sage advice “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  A frightened populace is the most malleable kind.  I don’t think you should ignore warnings completely.  However you should treat the news reporter prophesying the end of the world the same as you would the long haired old man with a sandwich board.

Here is the link to WHO.  WHO | Influenza A(H1N1) – update 7

Weak

About six years ago we lived in a little cabin in the hills on the edge of the ocean.  We had a grand total of 4 neighbors spread throughout the hills.  It was beautiful, maybe even idyllic.  One night I woke up in the pitch black and heard a motor.  I woke Rhett and asked him if he heard it… he did.  We sat quietly trying to determine which of the serpentine dirt roads the car was traveling on and in which direction.  When the tone of the motor continued on unchanged understanding dawned.  Someone was running a generator.  From then on every night if we woke up by chance we could hear the phantom growling of the generator.  That is the extent of my experience with diesel grows in the hills.  It was irritating to move so far out only to hear a motor all night long.

NHS (Northcoast Horticulture Supply) is now selling WhisperWatt generators.  I find disturbing this blatant condonation of diesel grows.  If you live in the hills you can grow plenty in a greenhouse.  If you want to grow indoor move somewhere with PG&E.  Diesel grows smack of greed and indifference for the environment around them.  Greed leads to solecism.  Shame on you NHS, I had thought better of you.

Perplexed

Rhett and I went to the WoodRose for breakfast yesterday, and if it wouldn’t have been for the Independent on the bar I would have thought we were in SoCal.  I saw minidresses, strappy heels, big hoop earrings,  gold chains, 10 gallon Gucci bags, big studded sunglasses, saggy designer jeans, tight designer jeans, perfectly coiffed hair and blue eyeshadow.  All this might seem a bit shallow but I was a little taken aback.  Where were all the dready hippies, the long flowing skirts over patchwork pants, the smell of patchouli oil and body odor?  Did the hippies breed and come up with some highly mutant strain or did all these people migrate to SoHum for….what?

Don’t tell me they came for the weed.  I thought pot culture was all about bucking the system.  You smoked pot so you could get lost in the way things should be.  I thought people came here to go back to the land and get away from capitalism.  Did all those hippies have kids that rebelled against their lofty ideals but couldn’t escape the place?

If they are Humboldt County’s next generation.  Their parents didn’t teach them their trade very well.  On the front page of the Independent was a story of a pot bust.  8 people and two cars were parked at the bottom of Bell Springs Rd., where it connects with 101.  A sherriff pulled up and asked if they needed any help.  The smell of weed permeated the air so he called for backup and searched the vehicles.  He found 20 pounds of marijuana and $100,000.  All they had to do was drive up Bell Springs Road 100 yards and they would have been fine.  Oh well, as my grandfather would say, they have to pay their stupid tax now.

Testimony

I was listening to Democracy Now! this morning when I was astonished to hear that a twelve year old girl, Evann Orleck-Jetter testified in front of the Vermont Legislature on behalf of gay marriage.  Many legislators said they were moved by her testimony.

I do not think children should be used to further anyone’s political agenda.  Obviously it is effective.  I just don’t think children should be concerned with or certainly not in the center of  political issues.   They are children, let them be concerned with school, and what to wear, and what friends house they are going to stay the night at.  I don’t think twelve is old enough to have fully formed opinions about politics.

I know that she should feel strongly about this issue because her parents are lesbian, but that still doesn’t mean she needs to testify.  I am glad the legislators where smart enough to pass the bill.  I just hope it was on the basis of their sense of civil liberties and not because they felt sorry for a little girl. Little girl testifies

Aunt Ruby

Rhett and I will be in the middle of a heated discussion, when he will utter the six worst words he could possibly think of.  ”Is Aunt Ruby coming to visit?”  (For those of you who don’t know, he is asking if I am about to start menstruating)  What the hell does he think he is going to accomplish with this question?  

I think he can’t resist because he feels like he has just found the missing puzzle piece and he has to now if it fits right now.

It used to really bother me.  I think it was the implication that I would not be upset or hurt or irritated if it wasn’t that time of the month.  In other words I have no grounds to stand on in an argument if Aunt Ruby is imminent.  This is BS!!!!!!  I still have legitimate concerns.  It doesn’t matter when I am more likely to bring up those concerns.      Dammit, and go to hell.

It no longer bothers me.  I figured out that he is right.  Now, now, stay with me here.  I know it seems unbelievable but it is true.  It is the one time every month where I have the perfect excuse to be a bitch.  I cannot control my hormones and it is not my fault that they control me.  It is meant to be that way.  They have a purpose, something important is going on.  I am not saying its ok to go off the deep end.  I know for me when my hormones kick in I try really hard not to be irritable or short tempered.  I can watch myself lose the battle though, all of which irritates me more.

What’s his excuse?  Did his whole body go through a hormonal change or was he just….tired maybe. (big baby)

So know when Rhett asks me the dreaded question, I say  ”Yep thats right so please just say, yes honey, and do the dishes whenever possible.  Then we will get along fine”

Our Land

That one little word conjures up so many emotions for me.  My parents raised me to believe that it was the only worthwhile investment.  My mother also thought that its collection was the best way to save the environment.  She worked for a Federal Government agency that was trying to clean up the messes that logging had made in Trinity County.  She felt cheated when she found out that BLM leases some of their land to logging companies.  Tax dollars were being used to cause the problem and to clean it up.  She thought nonprofits such as Sanctuary Forest were much smarter than activists who insisted the Federal Government intervene to save the land.  (My sister and I thought it was hilarious that she was married to a millworker.)

With the county gearing up for the adoption of a new General Plan, it seems as if our County’s dividing lines are becoming plain again.  Change is soooo scary.  That doesn’t mean that it is not necessary.  I live around a bunch of really big ranches.  I love driving or hiking by big rolling hills and large stands of forests.  I have friends who recently went in together and bought one of these large ranches.  I couldn’t believe it when they were successful in ending their partnership with each of them having their own land and still being friends.  The ranch was made up of several small parcels.  Some part of me was a little saddened to see the ranch broken up into 4 separate homestead sites.  Two of the partners are now selling a total of four parcels that are across the road from where they are putting their houses.  Wells will have to be drilled and the rolling hills will be broken up by houses and outbuildings.

I have been accused of being a hypocrite.  I have my land, now no one else should be able to buy land around me.  I spent 7 years living here and working here and searching for available land before I found it within my price range.  I don’t mind people buying raw land and building on it.  I just want the big ranches saved or at least not broken up into 10 acre parcels.  It takes me 25 minutes to get my daughters to school because I like it that way.  I want to be far away.  I think one of the biggest banes of this country’s existence is suburbia.  I think there should be rural land and urban land, not rolling hills of track homes.  Cities should build up not out.  Or at least up faster than out. Rural land should be for hardy, resourceful people.  Those who are willing to wait and watch diligently for their opportunity.

In preparation for this post I listened to HumCPR’s meeting that happened on March 19th.  The people who spoke were very well informed. It is worth listening to, HumCPR meeting at Healy Senior Center I am not sure I agree with how scary they seem to think everything is.  They very seldom mention the fact that there are four different versions of the plan under consideration.  This is my favorite map to look at. General Plan Map I love seeing how the different versions will effect different places. (Especially mine)

How do we make room for all the people who want to share our lifestyle while retaining the lifestyle?

Meanies

You know that John Prine song, In a town this size?  Well if you don’t, its about small town gossip.  Our town has its favorite juicy tidbits.  There are some people who are constant sources of good conversations.  Mostly though, we talk about our institutions, the store, the bar, the soon to open(maybe) nursery, the nonprofit groups, and the juiciest of all, the school district.

There are strong supporters of the school, and very strong detractors. The two groups seldom agree on anything.  Although, lately they seem to be finding common ground, in the maintenance man.  The district does not have enough money for a janitor, but because of the wisdom of state budgets it has enough for a full time deferred maintenance employee.  Deferred maintenance is anything that has been put off so long it has become a hazard, like the water system.  Only one person applied for the job, a nonlocal. He drives an hour and a half to his job.

Small towns have hidden rules as in, it’s just the way things are done.  It is easy to spot people who are visitors because of a million tiny things.  The way they drive, the look on their face as they walk into the store, you know stuff like that.  I am sure the locals can make them a little nervous also.  We see the same people so much we stare at a new face.  Not a, “I think you have something in your teeth” stare, a “who are you and what are you doing here”, stare.

Back to the new guy.  At first he seemed to be doing a good job.  He didn’t talk to anyone but he was making the place look nice.  Then he decided that he need to make sure things were safer. There are a lot of rules for schools, I mean can you imagine the lawsuits over hurt kids… scary.  So newbie decided to put cones up in front of the school gate and in the middle of the road, he felt that peoples parking, and driving habits were unsafe.  Extremely difficult to find fault with, but mildly irritating all the same.  Next it was the school garden, its locked now because kids would go in by themselves and that was unsafe.  We have to have a babysitter at all school meetings because that many kids running around after school hours is unsafe, even though the parents are there.  All mildly irritating.

He recently decided to push his authority over the line of mildly irritating.  He was giving the insurance lady a tour of the school grounds, and a couple of preschool parents were pushing their kids on the swings.  When asked if he knew who they were he said no.  He should know, they are there three days a week.  There is not that many parents to keep track of.  Any one else at the school would have known them.  Preschool parents or visitors of any kind now have to sign in at the office to play on the playground.  I understand the validity of this rule at big schools or even moderate schools.  Everyone in our town knows everyone else.  Even if we have never talked to them we know who they are.  If one of the teachers didn’t recognize someone on school grounds they would walk up and introduce themselves, it does happen about once a year.  City rules are seldom practical for rural places and vice versa, unfortunately bureaucrats, and insurance companies keep trying to get away with one rule fits all.

Once a month the preschool holds a board meeting at the school.  We had requested that the principal share with our board the repercussions of the newbies day with the insurance lady.   Newbie came and stood over her shoulder as we asked questions.  He whispered something in her ear walked off, and two seconds later the fire alarm went off.  Uh oh end of the meeting we need to practice the fire drill.  Fine, I need to find something to throttle anyway.

School Daze

STAR testing is just around the corner for school children across California.  My oldest is in second grade so this year she will take the test for the first time.  I live in small town.  Their are only fourteen kids in my little girls class, and it is a multi grade classroom. K-3  Theoretically this would be great.  Can you imagine the one on one time?  Can you imagine it being a part of the older kids curriculum to teach the younger ones?  It seems like you retain information better when you have to teach it.  Unfortunately this teacher sucks.

Ok I am being dramatic she doesn’t suck.  She is mediocre, unimanginative, dislikes her job.  My girl has been with her for three years, and loves her.  I found out this winter that my girl is behind.  Her reading and math are at the first grade level.  The wierd thing about this was how I found out.  I did not get a bad report card (all E’s and plus’s), I did not receive a telephone call, I was not asked for a parent teacher conference.  I asked for harder work and was shown the work my girl was doing with the first graders.  I understand the logic, the more kids are on the same level the less levels you have to teach.  This teacher shows up for school after I do half of the time.  She misses more days then most of her class.  We are a necessary small school so no pink slips are coming our way.  She has tenure so each infraction must be documented in order to be evaluated.

I took my girl out of school one day a week for some extreme one on one time.  I have received many comments on how fast she is picking things up.  I have to drive two hours a day for school.  My success at home makes me want to take her out completely.  My girl cries at the thought.

Notes have been coming home about extra homework because of testing.  I was told to have her read the directions for her work herself as practice for testing.  I have been all year why haven’t you?  I don’t want it to bother me that she is behind but it does.  I don’t want anything to be hard for her.

I think I liked school better when I was the one who had to go.

FB

I have a friend who loves acronyms.  I ask her what an initial means at least once every conversation.  It came as little surprise to me that she would have one for Facebook.  Sometimes I feel as if Facebook is taking over my life.  No that is an overstatement.  I feel the same way about Facebook as I do about television (TV).

My family did not have a TV while I was growing up.  This was good for my reading habits but bad for my score in Trivial Pursuit.  I sometimes felt as if important cultural moments passed without my ever knowing they existed.  Due to my stubborn insistence on not becoming a Face book member, this same phenomena is beginning to happen.  I feel as if everyone I know is having a conversation every night and I am the only one who does not know what so and so said.  (They all had this conversation in the third person) 

Its funny, I totally did not mind missing out on the MySpace craze.  This new one however is tempting me.  It is such a waste of time though.  Now that spring is sprung I can barely make time to keep this blog up to date let alone post a little note first that I am going to be working on it.  My husband has an account so I live vicariously through him, which sates my FOMO (fear of missing out) a little bit.  The only time I want my own is when an old high school friend pops up.  No that is not completely true either, my whole community is on the thing.  My own mother even, you know the one who wouldn’t allow TV because it wasn’t meaningful enough, has a page.  What are they all talking about ?  For now I am resisting the temptation to find out.  God I am stubborn, just like my mother.  Oh gotta go my husband just got a message.